


The Jesus Diaries

by 221bizarre, Serphinia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 13,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2119146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221bizarre/pseuds/221bizarre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serphinia/pseuds/Serphinia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where God is far too invested in in a certain Winchester’s love life, Jesus comes down to Earth for a smörgåsbord of modern culture, Gabriel is his sassy self, Dean and Cas are adorably oblivious, and Sam is ready to move to Peru.</p><p>Aka a fluffy AU written entirely in dialogue set after the shenanigans in TV Land, in a universe where Sam and Dean are a lot less preoccupied with the apocalypse. Everything is rainbows, and nothing hurts. **Potential spoilers for Season 5**<br/> <br/>Rated Teen for language. We don’t have any affiliation with Supernatural, the Kripke!Verse or its wonderful wonderful writers. If we did, Destiel would be canon and Gabe would be happy, goddamn it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Dean, Cas and Gabe take a look back at their time with the Messiah and argue about the working title for their new gospel.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_ Gabriel _

 

**“Once upon a time…”**

 

**“Dean, do we have to do this?”**

 

**“You told me that we should record this somehow, you know... for posterity.”**

 

**“Dean.”**

 

**“All right, all right! Got any better ideas, smartass?”**

 

**“...”**

 

**“That’s what I thought. Now, where was I? Once upon a time, there were two brothers. One was badass and awesome, and the other was a nerdy moose.”**

 

_“I do not understand. Sam is not a moose. Furthermore, what is the significance of a folk tale in this narrative? I was not made aware of the parallels between our divine mandate and stories told to young children.”_

**“Cas, do me a favour? Be quiet.”**

 

_"I was merely suggesting that you relate a more factual reflection of the events of the past year."_

 

**“By making it boring as Hell?”**

 

_“I do not believe that the Pit qualifies for the adjective ‘boring’. I am told that there is never a dull moment there.”_

**“...”**

 

_“That was a joke.”_

 

**“Give the man a prize. Okay. Let’s do this over. Once upon a time, God decided to make yet another stupid-ass decision-”**

_“Dean, I object to-”_

 

**“-which led to a whole shitload of fun and games.”**

 

** “Fun and games? Dean, I hardly think that the second coming of Christ-” **

 

**"Pfffffft-"**

 

_“...”_

 

**“Sorry, dude, it’s just... really? Second-”**

 

**“I’m not even gonna go there. So, yeah, I spoiled the punchline a little bit.”**

_“Spoilsport.”_

 

**“Gabe, use the door like a well-adjusted person!”**

 

_“I’m going, I’m going. Jesus Christ, you chuckleheads have no sense of humour.”_

_“I- I understood that reference.”_

 

**“Well done, Cas. Now go sit in the corner so I can finish telling the story.”**

 

**“C'mon, Dean, he won’t get why-”**

_“How does my location assist your creative faculties?”_

 

**“Told you.”**

 

**“Bitch.”**

 

**“Jerk.”**

 

_“You two are adorable.”_

 

**“Goddammit, Gabriel! How the hell did you get into the closet? You can’t just mojo in and out of here like you own the place!”**

_“Unlike you, bucko, I’ve never had any trouble getting out of the closet. And for the record, uh... who says I can’t? Archangel, remember? Besides, don’t I have a part in the write-up of this whole freak show? I got an Oscar nomination for the Nativity! Without me, Mary wouldn’t have got the memo that she’d been knocked up by the big guy upstairs!”_

_“I was not aware-”_

 

**“I honestly don’t know if he’s more confused about the Academy Award, or who the dude upstairs is.”**

 

_“You can see who Daddy Dearest gave all the brains to.”_

 

**“And the biggest mouth, too. Seriously, do you ever shut up, or is it a short people thing?”**

**“Low blow, Dean.”**

 

_“Very funny.”_

 

**“My point exactly. I'm a riot.”**

 

**“I’ll tell the story, you’re making a mess of this. So, get this- God sent Jesus down to Earth in a human body so that he could get an impartial view on humanity.”**

 

**“Heh, like that was gonna happen.”**

 

  
A few hours earlier...

 

 

**“What should we call this series, then?”**

 

**“Series? Dude, you make it sound like some kind of sitcom.”**

 

**“I was just thinking... I mean, I’ve been doing some research, and I think we should give it a name. So, you know, we can call the stuff that happened something other than ‘The Stuff That Happened’.”**

 

**“Okay, Sammy. Any bright ideas?”**

 

**“...”**

 

**“Dude, don't keep me in suspense. Hit me.”**

**“The... thjsdrss.”**

 

**“Didn’t catch that. Come again?”**

 

**“I said, the... Jesus Diaries.”**

 

**“NO. No way in Hell are we giving it a sissy-ass name like that. We’re not pre-teen girls.”**

 

**“I know we’re not, Dean, but-”**

 

_“Speak for yourself, kiddo.”_

 

**“Get lost!”**

 

**“Wait, no, don’t go! We need your... uh... creative input!”**

 

_“Why not ask Cassy? Bet he's got some fascinating ideas.”_

 

**“Fine. Stay put and shut up for a sec, okay? We need a name, and nobody’s leaving this room until we figure one out.”**

 

_“So demanding…”_

 

_“I suggest ‘The Chronicles of Our Father's Glorious Purpose’.”_

 

**“Uh... no.”**

 

_“What about ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’?”_

 

**“...That’s been done before.”**

 

_“Just yankin’ your chain, boys. No need to act like I just pissed in your cereal.”_

 

**“We need something that’s... short. Short and catchy.”**

 

_“Sam’s earlier suggestion would fit both of those criteria.”_

 

**“Not you too! Cas, you gotta be shitting me.”**

 

_“Dean-”_

 

**“JOKING. I mean, you have to be joking, right?”**

 

_“I... I see. I am perfectly serious, Dean. ‘The Jesus Diaries’ is concise, and gives the impression that the events to follow will be amusing for the reader.”_

 

**“See! Cas gets it.”**

 

**“Stop looking so damn smug! Am I the only sane one in this goddamn motel room?”**

 

_“Not by a long shot.”_

 

**“C’mon, Gabriel. I never thought I’d be saying this, but... back me up, here! We can’t call the story ‘The Jesus Diaries’! It sounds like a pre-teen rom-com!”**

 

_“The way you chuckleheads reacted to Pops’ plan, it might as well be. I don’t have any better ideas, so... as much as it pains me to say it, Dean-o, you're outvoted."_

 

**“You’re just doing this to piss Dean off, right?”**

 

_“Jackpot.”_

 

_“Thank you for siding with us, Gabriel. I am sure that the title will be successful.”_

 

_“I try, lil bro.”_

 

**“‘The Jesus Diaries’, then. Fan-frickin’-tastic. Hasn’t that been done, too? Wasn’t there that movie with Anne Hathaway?”**

 

_“I would not know.”_

 

**“Quit clutching at straws, Dean. You're outvoted, so suck it up.”**

 

**“Shut up, Sam. Of course you wouldn’t know, Cas, you’re a hermit. Even Sammy knows more about pop culture than you.”**

 

**“Dean, first off, the Anne Hathaway movie is called The PRINCESS Diaries. Second, I know way more than you think. Your pop culture experience is limited to Doctor Sexy.”**

 

**“It is NOT.”**

 

**“Is too.”**

 

**“Doctor Sexy is... compelling. Anyways, you can’t talk, hotshot- you’re the one who watched ‘The Pony Diaries’ or whatever.”**

 

**“PRINCESS Diaries, Dean.”**

 

**“So you HAVE watched it!”**

 

**“Listen, I-”**

 

**“Why are we even talking about this? I bet you fifteen bucks that I can name more Star Wars characters than you.”**

 

_“How did this discussion digress from attempting to sum up our experiences with the Messiah to comparing trivial knowledge of popular culture?”_

 

**“...”**

 

**“...”**

 

**“Cas, tell me you’ve seen Star Wars.”**

 

_“I-”_

 

**“No wonder he’s got a stick up his ass all the time!”**

 

_“I do not have anything in my-”_

 

**“Sit.”**

 

_“Dean, tell your brother that I object to-”_

 

**“Shut up and watch the movie.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you giraffes liked the prologue. The entire fic is written down, so I'll be posting it whenever I have the time. If you've read this far, thanks! Feel free to leave a comment- constructive criticism is always appreciated, or just say 'Hi' or 'I like your shoelaces' or something.
> 
> Peace out, y'all!


	2. Suddenly, Jesus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A routine job turns into a completely different kettle of fish for the brothers Winchester. 
> 
> Or, like, a basket of fish. 
> 
> You know, that whole 'Give a man a fish, and you can feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, and you can feed him for a lifetime' thing? 
> 
> I just made a Bible reference, damn it!

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“We first stumbled across Jesus when we were out on a routine job. It would’ve been pretty straightforward if it wasn’t for a bit of divine intervention.”**

  
**“Can we, like… do a flashback or something?”**

  
**“How are we gonna do that?”**

  
**“Improvise! This is quality drama!”**

  
**“Fine. So we were at this house, smack bang in the middle of the boonies…”**

 

  
  
  
  
**“...This place gives me the creeps.”**

  
**“You’re tellin’ me. What do you say we gank this sucker and get the hell out of Dodge?”**

  
** “Sure.” **

  
**“...”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“Sammy, you took care of the bones, right?”**

  
**“Yeah. Why do you ask?”**

  
**“Because our buddy Mr. Alvarez sure looks healthy for a dead guy.”**

  
**“Crap! I knew there was a reason the grave site was so easy to find!”**

  
**“Don’t tell me… cremated?”**

  
**“Yeah. I… I got the wrong Alvarez. His brother died in the same accident! How was I supposed to know that they’d had different burial arrangements?!”**

  
**“Way to go, genius! It doesn’t matter now, cuz guess what? We’ve got an angry spirit on our hands!”**

  
**“Dean, behind you!”**

  
**“Shit!”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“He just… vanished. Where did he go?”**

  
**“Beats me.”**

  
_“Hello Dean.”_

  
**“Cas?!”**

  
**“Jesus Christ!”**

  
_“Yes, he is part of the problem.”_

  
**“The hell do you mean?”**

  
_“Do you have a minute to talk about humanity’s Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?”_

  
**“Dean, look out, Alvarez is back!”**

  
**“Cas, this is really not the- DIE, YOU CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT!”**

  
**“Kinda busy at the moment, Cas!”**

  
_“Would you like some assistance?”_

  
**“Ackghhh-”**

  
**“DEAN!”**

  
_“...I believe I have taken care of the problem.”_

  
**“Son of a bitch nearly strangled me!”**

  
**“Thanks, Cas.”**

  
_“Do I have your undivided attention now? This is a matter of paramount importance.”_

  
**“Sure, fire away. It’s the least we can do, seeing as you just saved Dean’s ass and all.”**

  
**“I was working on a plan.”**

  
_“Very well. I have been charged with chaperoning the Son of God for the duration of his second sojourn on Earth.”_

  
**“Come again?”**

  
_“My Father has requested that I educate the Messiah about human culture, and I was hopeful that you could assist in this matter.”_

  
**“That’s… woah. So you want us to help you teach Jesus about humanity?”**

  
_“You assume correctly.”_

  
**“That’s just peachy.”**

  
_“It does not appear that you are enamoured with the prospect of the Messiah's return. It may reassure you to know that my brother Gabriel will be joining us.”_

  
**“Son of a bitch!”**

  
**“Gabriel as in… the Gabriel that killed Dean over and over again? The Gabriel that trapped us both in TV land?”**

  
_“Yes.”_

  
**“Should’ve let the ghost break my neck.”**

  
_“Dean, that would have been counter-productive and highly inconvenient.”_

  
**“Okay, so if you’re meant to be looking after Jesus, and Gabriel’s somewhere around… where are they both now?”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“...”**

  
**“You lost him?”**

  
_“He is not in any way misplaced. I am just… unaware of his current location.”_

  
**“Cas, how did you lose Jesus?”**

  
_“My Father told me that he would send the Messiah to your location in the care of Gabriel. It took me a short amount of time to find you, but I am no closer to finding my brother and his charge.”_

  
_“You called?”_

  
**“Gabriel.”**

  
_“Hey, Sammy! Long time, no see, am I right?”_

  
**“Don’t call me that.”**

  
**“Can I kill him yet?”**

  
_“Everybody remain calm. Gabriel, where is the Messiah?”_

  
_“Search me.”_

  
_“Gabriel-”_

  
_“Just kidding, bro. He’s outside. Take a look out the window if you don’t believe me.”_

  
**“...”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“The dude’s wearing a sheet.”**

  
_“Robe.”_

  
**“Nuance. He looks tanned… not like the pictures. Sure this is him? Haven't got a two-bit lookalike from Vegas?”**

  
**“Who else could it be? Besides, Dean, academics have been arguing about what Jesus looked like for centuries. I guess we finally know, huh?”**

  
**“Stow the trivia, Sam, this is serious. We’re babysitting Jesus while he goes on a whistle-stop tour of the US?”**

  
_“A crude analogy, but it will suffice.”_

  
_“Ugh, what does an archangel have to do to get a coffee around here?”_

  
**“We should probably go back to the motel and talk about this some more.”**

  
_“Sweet!”_

  
**“Jesus looks kinda conspicuous. Do you think he’ll fit in the trunk?”**

  
_“That would be inadvisable. I will accompany the Messiah and Gabriel back to your motel. We will meet again shortly.”_

  
**“Wait, Cas-”**

  
**“Damn! So, what, we just drive back to the motel and meet up with the Holy League?”**

  
**“Looks like it.”**   
  
  
  
_“Took you two long enough.”_

  
**“Not all of us have celestial powers, douchebag.”**

  
**“Dean, be nice.”**

  
**“Why? He’s killed me more times than I can count!”**

  
**“Let’s move past that for now. We’ve got a bigger problem on our hands.”**

  
_“Listen to your brother, Dean-o. We’ve got Junior to take care of.”_

  
_“You will address the Messiah with more respect, Gabriel.”_

  
_“I was around when he was just a twinkle in Daddy’s eye. It’s kinda hard to get past the baby-in-a-manger thing.”_

  
**“Why do you keep calling him the Messiah, Cas? It’s kinda formal. Like calling Neo ‘The Saviour’ all the time.”**

  
_“...That is his name.”_

  
**“You know what? I’m not gonna bother arguing.”**

  
**“Probably for the best.”**

  
**“So what do we have to do with him? Make sure he gets to bed on time? Eats his greens, that kinda thing?”**

  
_“Just show him around like the delightful poster boys for humanity you are. Hello MTV, welcome to my crib, all that jazz.”_

  
**“How old is he, anyway?”**

  
_“We are not sure of his exact age due to the length of time he has spent in Heaven. Thirty-three would be an approximate estimate.”_

  
**“Then why the hell do we have to mollycoddle him?”**

  
_“You’re the only chuckleheads we could think of who’d take the job without bowing and scraping every step of the way. Come to think of it, some bowing and scraping would be nice. Anyways, it’s not gonna be for too long, so don’t you worry your little head about it.”_

  
**“Can I stake him yet?”**

  
_“Yeah, because that turned out SO well the last two times you tried it.”_

  
**“Not yet. Use the element of surprise.”**

  
_“How I’ve missed you two.”_

  
**“Shame the feeling isn’t mutual.”**

  
_“If you three are done bickering, I believe that I have found a place for the Messiah to sleep.”_

  
**“Dude, that’s my bed!”**

  
_“We all gotta make sacrifices, kiddo.”_

  
**“Please tell me this is one massive prank.”**

  
_“It is not funny, so it therefore does not qualify as a practical joke.”_

  
**“I’ll say.”**

  
**“I’ll move all my stuff, then. Gabriel, you’re helping.”**

  
_“I am?”_

  
** “Yes.” **

  
_“Fine, I’m going, I’m going…”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“So, Cas, what have you been doing since we saw you last? It’s been a while.”**

  
_“Fulfilling my purpose.”_

  
**“Huh. Just so you know, the whole cryptic thing? It’s not mysterious. If you can see the future or something, you should be playing poker.”**

  
_“But to know the future, you must know yourself.”_

  
**“Was that a joke? That’s what I’m talking about! Become a college professor if you want, but don’t spring that crap on me.”**

  
_“But to teach, one must first be willing to learn.”_

  
**“All right, all right! Cut it out, I get it… of all the angels in Creation, and I get the comedian in a trenchcoat. Not that I’m complaining. Most angels wouldn’t get a joke if it crawled up their ass.”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“Not literally, Cas. I’ve just had a thought. Can we take Jesus to church?”**

  
_“No, Dean.”_

  
**“C’mon, it’ll be great!”**

  
_“He is not a plaything.”_

  
**“Hmph.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the fun begin. Mwahaha. I feel like I have too much power. It's giving me a complex. And a bizarre rash.
> 
> Whoever spots the KOTOR 2 reference... you're awesome. Stay awesome.


	3. Extreme Makeover: Messiah Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempts to make Jesus look less conspicuous end up, as usual, in bickering. But hey, at least he's wearing clothes now, right?

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabriel_

 

 

_“What are you doing to the Messiah, Dean?”_

 

**“He needs shaving. That scruff may work for hipsters, but it makes him look too conspicuous. Besides, he and Sammy look too damn similar for comfort.”**

 

**“Do NOT!”**

 

_“You are kinda rockin’ the ‘Ain’t No Razors In Biblical Times’ look, Samwich.”_

 

**“Says the archangel who wears enough hair gel to grease a pig! And stop calling me stupid nicknames. It’s childish.”**

 

_“There is no need to get personal. You… you missed a spot, Dean.”_

 

**“Ah. Thanks.”**

 

_“Do not mention it.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

_“Hey, Dean? Hate to break up the love-fest, but your lil bro’s looking unnaturally green.”_

 

**“I can’t believe I’m seeing this.”**

 

_“What do you call that shade? Pistachio? Artichoke? Tell us the secret to your unique complexion.”_

 

 **“What’s eatin’ ya, Sammy?”**

 

 _"I do not see the problem. I was merely pointing out an area of facial hair that Dean had missed. The Messiah must adhere to human perceptions of perfection.”_

 

**“But… Was the eye-sex really necessary?”**

 

 **“Stop smirking, Gabriel! What eye-sex?”**

 

_“They’re so oblivious. I’m torn between thinking they’re adorable or brain-damaged.”_

 

**“Why not both?”**

 

**“...I think Jesus needs some new clothes.”**

 

**“...”**

 

_“One hell of a subject changer, Dean-o. What makes you say that?”_

 

**“He’s wearing a sheet. He’s gonna get arrested.”**

 

**“Isn’t the sheet part of the whole prophet getup?”**

 

_“I agree with Dean. If the Messiah is to learn about humanity, he will need a larger sample size than the two of you. He will require new clothing. I suggest that he borrows some for the time being.”_

 

** “Why not take him shopping?” **

 

**“You kidding? Ugh, with the beard gone, he looks like a girl.”**

 

**“He… he still doesn’t look that different to me, actually.”**

 

**“Exactly.”**

 

**“Hey!”**

 

_“Whose clothes is he gonna borrow? Gigantor’s shirts will end up like dresses on anyone who isn’t size moose and a half.”_

 

**“Stop with the nicknames, okay!”**

 

_“...Here are some of Dean’s clothes that look suitable.”_

 

**“Hey, you can’t just steal my stuff!”**

 

_“It is part of God’s plan, Dean.”_

 

**“Never heard that one before.”**

 

_“Give up the clothes, you putz. Dad knows, both you and Sam have waaay too many plaid shirts anyway. Were you both lumberjacks in a previous life or something?”_

 

**“They’re surprisingly comfortable!”**

 

**“Just give Jesus the clothes, Cas, and then we’re one step closer to educating him about humanity.”**

 

**“Why can’t he just mojo up some clothes?”**

 

_“I wish for him to have as realistic an experience as-”_

 

**“Fine. He breaks them, he buys them.”**

 

_“Dean, it is for the greater good.”_

 

**“Don’t see you giving up your trenchcoat, Mr Righteous.”**

 

_“That comment is superfluous when it is evident that the Messiah would suit your choice of clothing better than mine.”_

 

**“Since when did you become a fashion expert, Cas?”**

 

_“You’d be surprised.”_

 

_“I will go and assist the Messiah with dressing. While I am gone, perhaps you might extend your search to suitable footwear.”_

 

_“‘Assist’ him? Cassie, you sly dog!”_

 

**“Gabriel! That isn’t what he meant!”**

 

_“Sure, sure.”_

 

**“I’ll see if I can find some heels floating around for Princess Pious.”**

 

_“Hey, Cas, before you go… can I take pictures?”_

 

** “GABRIEL!” **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna come say hi, I'm on Tumblr at 221bizarre, and Serphinia is richard-of-york. I neglected to mention this earlier. But I'm telling y'all now, because Serph-and-turf and I love talking to new people.
> 
> There will be plot in the near future, and gayness galore. Watch this space.
> 
>  
> 
> ...
> 
>  
> 
> Watch it.


	4. Should've Said Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Convinced that Jesus needs to learn how to cook, Sam attempts a pot roast. Things go downhill from there.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“Heya, Sammy. Whatcha doin?”**

  
**“Just… stir it. No, uh, a… a little more gently. You- okay, do it your way.”**

  
_“Sam is collaborating with the Messiah to manufacture a pot roast.”_

  
**“You making dinner?”**

  
_“Our Sammy is a regular housewife.”_

  
**“Don’t call me that.”**

  
_“A housewife, or Sammy?”_

  
**“Both. Woah, okay, that’s quite enough seasoning!”**

  
**“So… what brought this on? You gettin’ all maternal?”**

  
_“It was my idea.”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“I thought it would be beneficial for both your health and your economic wellbeing.”_

  
**“That, and we didn’t have anything in the fridge.”**

  
**“God bless self-catering, huh?”**

  
_“Yeah, but seriously? Pot roast? If you’re gonna home cook, at least make something edible.”_

  
_“Pot roast is a traditional American delicacy, Gabriel.”_

  
_“Nice try, but no dice. It tastes like the bathroom smells- fragrant, with an undertone of nasty.”_

  
**“Hey, don’t take your disappointment out on my deodorant.”**

  
_“Sam, ignore them. I am looking forward to tasting the finished product.”_

  
_“Blech. You three yahoos have fun… I’m off to Wendy’s.”_

  
** “...” **

  
**“Is it just me, or does something smell of smoke?”**

  
**“Shit! The garlic!”**

  
**“...How far is Wendy’s?”**

  
_“Approximately two and a half minutes from here.”_

  
**“I’ll… I’ll be back in a sec.”**

  
** “Aww, Dean, come back! I need your help with the carrots!” **

  
_“...”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“Cas, could you-?”**

  
_“I do not believe that I am suitably qualified to perform culinary tasks.”_

  
** “You don’t need to be qualified!” **

  
_“Is the black smoke emanating from the oven part of the process laid out in the recipe?”_

  
**“Shitshitshit…”**

  
_“I will retrieve Gabriel. He may possess invaluable knowledge of home cooking.”_

  
**“No, don’t do that, he’ll make everything worse.”**

  
_“I shall return momentarily.”_

  
**“Don’t leave! CAS!”**   
  


 

  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  


 

  
  
 **“You’ll never believe who we bumped into at the-”**

  
** “Don’t talk to me.” **

  
**“...”**

  
** “...” **

  
**“...French fry?”**

  
**“Piss off, Dean!”**   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters may seem short.
> 
> You're right, they are short.
> 
> But there's a hell of a lot of them. Yeahhhh.
> 
> And never fear, there will be more gay on the horizon. Patience, giraffes. Your time will come.


	5. Gabe Is A Teenage Girl, Pass It On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel proposes a game of Truth or Dare. What kind of self-respecting hunter would ever-
> 
> Yep, the Mystery Team have hours of fun. 
> 
> [Read: unresolved sexual tension]

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“Okay… dare.”**

  
_“You’re gonna regret saying that, bucko.”_

  
**“Have I walked in on a slumber party?”**

  
**“Nah, we were just talkin’.”**

  
**“Uh-huh. You won’t mind if I sit here, then.”**

  
_“Do you enjoy shattering peoples’ dreams? I bet you’re the guy who tells little kids that Santa doesn’t exist.”_

  
**“He doesn’t.”**

  
_“Oh, Sam… every time you say that, an angel loses its wings.”_

  
**“I wish. Then we could gank you without you zapping us somewhere nasty.”**

  
**“Don’t let me interrupt, anyway. Out of interest… Dean, what’s your dare?”**

  
_“We were just getting to that part. Deanie-baby, I dare you tooooo… kiss Sammy. On the mouth. With tongue.”_

  
**“Hell no!”**

  
**“Gabriel, that’s disgusting!”**

  
_“So no Winchester-on-Winchester action?”_

  
**“Not even remotely.”**

  
_“Guess you forfeit then, Dean.”_

  
**“Can’t be worse than that dare.”**

  
_“Oh yeah? Do the same to Cas.”_

  
**“What?!”**

  
_“You heard me.”_

  
**“Isn’t that kinda unfair, Gabriel? You're taking your oral fixation out on us.”**

  
_“Uhhh… nope, I'm not. Who makes the rules here? Oh, yeah. Me.”_

  
**“Sorry to disappoint, but you’re gonna have to think of another forfeit.”**

  
_“You can’t forfeit a forfeit! What kind of messed up Truth or Dare games have you been playing?”_

  
**“If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to.”**

  
**“Yeah, it’s a free country, smartass. Besides, Sammy and I didn’t have the most conventional childhood. We damn well play the game our way.”**

  
_“Cas will be so disappointed.”_

  
**“He will? I mean, of course he won’t!”**

  
**“Just… drop it, Gabe.”**

  
_“We are SO having a rematch when all this is over.”_

  
**“That sounds ominous.”**

  
**“You got that right.”**

  
_“You’ll understand when you’re older, kids.”_

  
**“Don’t patronise me!”**

  
_“I’ll stop doing it when you stop acting like a five-year-old.”_

  
_“Have I missed anything? I have just returned from resupplying the fridge. We are out of milk, Gabriel.”_

  
_“What do you expect me to do about it?”_

  
_“Curb your habit of drinking it straight from the bottle.”_

  
**“PFFFFFFF-”**

  
_“Great, now you made Sammy spit out his coffee.”_

  
**“I’ve been drinking… I… ugh.”**

  
_“Do not worry, Sam. There is only an infinitesimal chance that you will contract an infectious disease.”_

  
** “Well, that’s reassuring.” **

  
_“I aim to please.”_

  
**“I guess Sammy’s done his next dare already.”**   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be still, my shipper heart. Once again, feedback is always appreciated. If there are any spelling errors, wibbly sentences or crooked letters then please lemme know.
> 
> Peace out, giraffes.


	6. The Curious Case Of The Archangel At The Drive-In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night is now a thing, Gabe thinks he's funny, and they're all basically the dudes from the Hangover.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

_“Megashark vs. Crocosaurus.”_

  
**“You kidding me, Gabriel? That movie sucks ass. If I’m gonna be buying tickets for a drive-in movie, it’d better be good.”**

  
_“I have no strong opinion on the subject.”_

  
“It’s okay, Cas. I’ll look up what’s showing tonight. Good thing the free Wi-Fi still works in the parking lot.”

  
**“Go Team Free Wi-Fi, huh? Hey, dude, we could watch that chick flick you love so much. You know. The Princess Diaries.”**

  
**“Ha ha. You're hilarious.”**

  
_“Stop scrolling, you’re going too fast! Ooh, The Hangover sounds like fun.”_

  
_“I was not aware that hangovers were a pleasurable experience.”_

  
**“The movie.”**

  
_“It is a documentary, then?”_

  
**“It’s meant to be good, Cas. It’s a comedy.”**

  
_“Very well. I shall reserve judgement until we have seen it.”_

  
**“Buckle up, then. No funny business in the back, you three. Sammy's taking shotgun.”**

  
_“Your concern is unnecessary. Gabriel is my brother, and the Messiah is my charge.”_

  
_“Jeez. I have standards, you know.”_

  
** “Can I put some music on?” **

  
**“Hell no. Driver picks the-”**

  
_“Dean, perhaps you could timeshare with the stereo. I am sure that Sam will allow you to select the next song, and you can work to a mutually beneficial agreement.”_

  
**“Okay, Mom.”**

  
_“I am not your mother.”_

  
_“That’s because she burnt up on the ceiling.”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“...Get out.”**

  
** “Dean, he didn’t mean-” **

  
_“SHUT UP! Gabriel, get out of the car. You’re walking.”_

  
_“I’m not walking anywhere, Dean-o. Archangel mojo, remember? Ciao.”_

  
**“He’s gone. Great. Now you made him mad.”**

  
**“He was the one who brought up Mom!”**

  
** “Let it go, man! We’re going to see a movie. Movies are meant to be fun!” **

  
_“It was insensitive of my brother to joke about your mother’s death, but it would be unfortunate if we let it marr the rest of the evening.”_

  
**“...Fine. I’m not talking to that asshat, though.”**

  
**“Dean, it’s a movie. You’re not meant to talk.”**

  
**“Stop being right.”**

  
_“It appears that we have arrived.”_

  
**“What gave you that idea?”**

  
_“The large cinema screen. Also the fact that Gabriel has rejoined us in the backseat.”_

  
_“Ladies.”_

  
**“You got popcorn already?!”**

  
_“Never too early to start eating, Samwich.”_

  
** “How do you live with yourself?” **

  
_“It’s… easy, actually. Me, Myself and I are very happy together. We occasionally have threesomes to shake things up a bit.”_

  
**“Oh, God… too much information.”**

  
_“He is joking.”_

  
**“I don’t care. That mental image is going to stay with me forever.”**

  
_“Don’t lie, you love it.”_

  
**“Hey, the movie’s starting.”**

  
**“Sorry.”**

  
**“Shhh!”**

  
_“Gabriel, stop rustling the corn chip packet.”_

  
**“The car’s gonna stink of guacamole for weeks.”**

  
**“All of you, zip it!”**

  
  
  
After the movie...  


  
  
 _“Doug, Phil, Stu and Adam are supposed to resemble us?”_

  
**“His name is Alan.”**

  
**“Dude, they aren’t like us! We’re professionals!”**

  
_“You’ve got guacamole on your face.”_

  
**“Son of a bitch!”**

  
**“It was a good film, though. The wedding was sweet.”**

  
_“I, too, enjoyed the wedding scene.”_

  
**“That’s not the point of the movie.”**

  
_“If that’s what they choose to get out of it… I, personally, admired the fact that they were $80,000 richer at the end.”_

  
**“So, what, you weren’t interested in the drunken shenanigans? The gangsters? Mike Tyson?”**

  
_“I am not familiar with Mike Tyson. I have never met anybody by that name.”_

  
**“Neither have I, but that doesn’t make him any less awesome!”**

  
**“We’d better get back. In case you guys hadn’t noticed, Jesus is asleep.** ”

  
_“Awww. He looks less righteous when he’s all curled up like that.”_

  
_“Perhaps he was bored.”_

  
**“If he was, he’s got shitty taste in movies.”**

  
**“Let’s go before Dean starts another fight.”**

  
**“I didn’t start anything before! Mr. Celestial Witness Protection over there started it!”**

  
_“Case in point- your anger-management issues. I keep expecting you to Hulk out.”_

  
_“Motel. Now.”_

  
_“Oh, Cassy, I love it when you do that.”_

  
_“To what are you referring?”_

  
_“You going all avenging angel on me. It’s... thrilling.”_

  
**“Ohhh… kay. Let’s break it up there. Dean, you heard Cas. Let’s get back. Some of us need sleep.”**   



	7. Holy Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going swimming is on Jesus' bucket list. Sam and Dean oblige, but with unforeseen consequences.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“Got your trunks, Sammy?”**

  
**“Yeah. I’m still not sure if going down to the pool is a great idea. The water looks kinda suspicious, and what if Jesus can’t swim?”**

  
**“He can go in the kiddie pool. It’ll be fine.”**

  
**“Won’t that look-”**

  
**“What’s society come to? A man should be able to hang out in the kiddie pool if he wants to!”**

  
**“Not any more, Dean.”**

  
_“Why is that?”_

  
**“Aww, shit. Are you gonna explain, or am I?”**

  
** “Because he’ll get arrested, that’s why.” **

  
_“That is a shame. The slide in the smaller pool looked entertaining.”_

  
** “...” **

  
**“Tell you what, Cas- you keep Jesus company at the side of the pool, okay?”**

  
_“I would rather try my hand at swimming, Dean.”_

  
**“Look, I won’t go in the pool. You guys have fun.”**

  
_ “But I was looking forward to seeing the gun show!” _

  
_“I cannot see any firearms.”_

  
**“Maybe some other time, hey, Casanova? Sam's not going anywhere. Right, Sammy?”**

  
**“Great. He’s gonna hold me to that.”**

  
_“Damn right I am.”_   
  


  
  
An indeterminate amount of time later...  
  
  


  
_“Are these swim shorts too tight?”_

  
**“Lemme see- HOLY FUCK-”**

  
**“Jeez! Those are speedos, Gabriel!”**

  
**“My poor retinas…”**

  
_“Actually, I think I’m lookin’ pretty fine.”_

  
_“Gabriel, why are you wearing your underwear?”_

  
**“Hey, Cas. Gabriel was just changing. Right, Gabe?”**

  
_ “You guys are no fun.” _

  
**“...”**

  
**“...”**

  
_“I am sorry if Gabriel caused you any distress. Fortunately, it appears he has gone to change his attire to something more suitable. I hope that I do not look indecent.”_

  
**“No, uh… you look great.”**

  
**“Dean. DEAN. He’s walking. On water.”**

  
**“Quit tapping my shoulder, man! Who?”**

  
**“Who do you THINK- Chuck Norris?”**

  
**“I wouldn’t be surprised. That dude could split the atom with his bare hands if he wanted.”**

  
_“That is impossible.”_

  
_“Not for Chuck Norris. The walking on water thing is pretty cool, though, am I right?”_

  
_“Hello again, Gabriel. I am glad to see that you have visited the changing rooms. As for the Messiah… many people are requesting to know ‘how he does it’.”_

  
**“I would be, too.”**

  
_“They believe he is some kind of street magician. Dynamos have been mentioned, and a man named Derren Brown.”_

  
**“I guess it’s because his feet aren’t even wet.”**

  
**“Just as well. I ain’t buying him swimming trunks.”**

  
_“Hey, kiddo! Over here!”_

  
_“Do not distract him, Gabriel. He may-”_

  
**“Oh. Ohhh no.”**

  
**“You said he can swim, right?”**

  
_ “Sure he can. Give it a minute.” _

  
_“...”_

  
** “...” **

  
**“...”**

  
_“Aaaany minute now…”_

  
**“That’s it, I’m going in.”**

  
_“You are wearing all of your clothes, Sam.”_

  
**“I’m not going to be responsible for the death of Jesus.”**

  
**“Don’t tell me he’s actually going to-”**

  
_“Do not worry. He has taken off his shirt and his shoes. It will reduce the amount of water resistance, enabling him to reach the Messiah more quickly.”_

  
_“That, and… would you LOOK at those abs? Damn!”_

  
_“Voyeurism is the reason you were banned from the gyms, Gabriel.”_

  
**“Don’t you mean ‘the gym’, singular?”**

  
_“No, Dean. Plural. Gabriel has been banned from every gymnasium in the tri-state area.”_

  
_ “Heh. There’s a story there.” _

  
**“As much as I wanna hear it, we’ve got a soaking wet prophet and an angry moose to dry off.”**

  
_“I’ll help!”_

  
_“Gabriel, no.”_

  
_ “You two are no fun at all.” _   
  



	8. Dude, Think Of The Medical Bills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the swimming pool escapade, everybody's favourite prophet has a cold. A war between traditional herbal remedies and aspirin begins, and everyone's left with a headache.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

_“Dean, there is an emergency.”_

  
**“Urgh… Cas, do you have to zap into my room like that? I was asleep, man.”**

  
_“I am sorry, Dean, but I am faced with a dilemma.”_

  
**“This… better be good.”**

  
_ “You’d better get up. He’s practically burning a strip into the skeevy carpet with the speed of his pacing.” _

  
**“Both of you? And here I was, hoping for a lie-in...”**

  
_“I wouldn’t go out there, it’s a toxic waste dump.”_

  
_“He must. I need further advice on how to proceed.”_

  
_“Cassy’s just got his panties in a twist because Jesus has a cold after his dip in the pool.”_

  
**“A cold? You woke me up because the Redeemer out there needs a Kleenex?”**   
_“It is not that simple.”_

  
**“Right, right. Things never are with you.”**

  
**“Cas, have you thought about just… healing him? I mean, why hasn’t he healed himself?”**

  
_“It is not possible.”_

  
_ “Sure it is. I could do it blindfolded.” _

  
_“That is not the point. The Messiah would miss out on the human experience of having a cold if he or I used our healing powers to eliminate his symptoms.”_

  
**“Dude. So if he got herpes, you’d be all for him ‘experiencing’ it and all that hippie shit?”**

  
_ “Somebody say herpes? I’ve heard about this great treatment plan, Herpexia. Maybe you've heard of it. The mook in the ad reminds me of someone.” _

  
**“Don’t even go there.”**

  
**“Heh.”**

  
**“Don’t laugh!”**

  
**“Okay, chuckles. So we’re just letting Jesus sweat it out?”**

  
_“Didn’t think you’d have a problem with that, Dean-o.”_

  
**“Problem? Me? Nah. Colds are good for character building.”**

  
**“Maybe we can research some kind of herbal remedy that can help. Give him honey and lemon tea or something.”**

  
_“That would be preferable to prolonging the Messiah’s suffering.”_

  
**“Spoilsport.”**

  
_“I am sorry, Dean, I did not quite catch that.”_

  
**“Huh, what? I didn’t say anything.”**

  
**“Gabriel, hand me my laptop.”**

  
_ “Ask me nicely.” _

  
**“What? No!”**

  
_“...Nooope, not feelin’ it. Try again.”_

  
**“C’mon, short stack. Give him the damn laptop so he can take care of his nerd boner, or he’ll just speculate for hours. Trust me, nobody wants that.”**

  
_“Maybe later.”_

  
**“Gabe. Please would you… uh… fetch my laptop? I’d really… appreciate it.”**

  
**“...”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“Congrats, Sammy. You’re probably the first person ever to shut him up.”**

  
_“Here ya go, Samwich.”_

  
_“This is almost unprecedented.”_

  
**“No deals, no payments, no nothing? You’re actually doing someone a favour?”**

  
_“I’ll do YOU a favour in a minute, Winchester.”_

  
**“Bite me.”**

  
_“No biting will be required. Sam, could you please look up a cure for the common cold?”_

  
**“...Huh? Oh, sure. Wait. You want me to look up a cure? There isn’t a cure for the cold virus, Cas. Just ways of coping with it and alleviating the symptoms until it goes away.”**

  
_“I am sure there is an experimental treatment somewhere.”_

  
**“Yeah, Sammy, just hack into the WHO database and ask them if they’re any closer to finding a drug that’ll zap it. While you’re there, I hear there’s a handy-dandy anti-ageing pill. Think you can hook me up with some of that?”**

  
**“Stop being snarky, Dean, you'll pull something. Most of the sites I’ve looked at so far say that an aspirin will help with a persistent cold. Others say you should gargle with salt water, use hot packs, put mentholated salve under your nose...”**

  
_“I suggest aspirin. It appears to be the most straightforward option.”_

  
**“Isn’t that polluting the body of Christ or something?”**

  
_“...Dean, it is only aspirin.”_

  
_ “Dibs on not going out to the drugstore.” _

  
**“I already went out to get breakfast.”**

  
** “I’m… researching.” **

  
_“I will be back momentarily.”_

  
**“Wait! Damn. He hasn’t zapped himself to the nearest drugstore, has he?”**

  
_ “...Yup.” _

  
**“I’m sure he’ll be fine. His people skills are improving.”**

  
**“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”**

  
_“I have returned.”_

  
**“Shit! Don’t scare me like that!”**

  
_“I am sorry, Dean. I brought as many as I could carry. I believe the quantity should be sufficient for a few days.”_

  
**“Woah, Cas! Jesus is human. You’re gonna give him an overdose!”**

  
**“You’re all about science, right? It’s an experiment.”**

  
** “I’m not letting you kill Jesus.” **

  
_ “Bet you thought you’d never say that, huh?” _

  
**“It’s... kinda surreal, yeah.”**

  
_“I will administer one tablet to the Messiah and await further results.”_

  
**“You do that.”**   
  



	9. To Boldly Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clubbing. Smouldering jealousy. A side-order of Gabe's dancing.
> 
> Just another day in Paradise.
> 
> *sighs*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than some of the others.
> 
> That's really not difficult, come to think of it.
> 
> Anyways, it took on a life of its own. It's aliiiiiiive.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

_“So… now that the Messiah has recovered sufficiently, tonight we are going ‘clubbing’?”_

  
**“Yep.”**

  
_“How will ‘clubbing’ teach the Messiah about human culture? What exactly are we clubbing, and with what weapon?”_

  
**“Not literally clubbing something. Clubbing. You know… dancing. Dean says that it’ll teach Jesus to loosen up.”**

  
_“Are you of the same opinion?”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“I think it’ll be fun.”_

  
_“Nobody asked you, Gabriel.”_

  
_“Ooh, somebody’s touchy this evening! Both you and your prophetic BFF need to learn to have some fun.”_

  
**“I don’t want to go.”**

  
_“Thank you, Sam.”_

  
**“Nobody asked you, Sammy. Cas, you can’t go clubbing wearing a freakin' trenchcoat, you’ll boil to death.”**

  
_“You have never raised any objections before. It is what I always wear, Dean.”_

  
**“Exactly. Gabe! We need you!”**

  
_“‘Sup, Dean-o?”_

  
**“…”**

  
**“Glad YOU know what to wear to a nightclub. Help Cas find some clothes, would ya?”**

  
**“…”**   
_“Dean! I am perfectly capable of dressing myself.”_

  
**“Nope, you’re not. I’ll get J-Dog ready, you go get gussied up.”**

  
_“Gabriel! Get off me! I do not need-”_

  
**“...D-did you... see what Gabriel was wearing?”**

  
**“Yeah. He looked okay, I guess. Leather trousers are freakin' clich éd, but the open-necked shirt was good. Should be able to set Cas up. Lemme see what I’ve got for Jesus…”**

  
_ “Hey, Sammy, can I borrow one of Dean’s shirts?” _

  
**“Huh? What?”**

  
_“What’s with the glazed eyes? Shirt. S H I R T. For Cas?”_

  
**“Uh. Yeah. Sure. In his bag. Why are you- never mind.”**   
**“...”**

  
**“...”**

  
_“Oh De-ean... come see what I made!”_

  
**“…”**

  
**“Cas scrubs up well.”**

  
**“…”**

  
_“Thank you, Sam.”_

  
**“...”**

  
**“Dean means to say you look good too.”**

  
_“I thought he’d appreciate the tousled sex-hair.”_

  
**“What? No!”**

  
**“Hey, uh, Dean? You might want to stop staring now.”**

  
_“I do not have any objections.”_

  
** “Well, I do. Um. Let’s go.” **

  
_“Damn straight, party time’s a-wasting!”_

  
**“Okay, sarge. We all ready to move out?”**

  
**“Dean, I don’t think this is a-”**

  
**“Awesome! I’ll bring the car around.”**

  
_“Aren’t you worried that the Messiah will attract attention? He has a certain… bearing around strangers.”_

  
_“The deer-in-the-headlights thing?”_

  
**“He’ll be fine. He looks like an average Joe now.”**

  
_“You sound unsure of that assertion.”_

  
**“He. Will. Be. Fine.”**   
  
  


  
2 hours later...

  
  
  
**“What do you think he calls that dance move?”**

  
**“Who, Gabriel?”**

  
_“It is, admittedly, rather hypnotic.”_

  
**“What’s he doing with his hands?”**

  
_“I will dissuade him from being quite so… enthusiastic. I believe that the other dancers have been injured by his gyrations several times already.”_

  
**“Make sure Jesus is okay!”**

  
_“I shall.”_

  
**“...Snot-nosed little punk.”**

 

**“The hell has Cas ever done to you?!”**

  
**“Not Cas, dumbass. Jesus.”**

  
**“What? Why?”**

  
**“Look at how he’s sucking up to Cas all the time. It’s always ‘Castiel, I require your services,’ and ‘Castiel, what is the function of this device?’ They communicate in their own little language all the time. It’s enough to drive me nuts.”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“What?”**

  
**“Dean, are you… jealous?”**

  
**“Jealous? Me? The hell do I have to be jealous about?”**

  
**“You keep... looking... at Cas and Jesus together.”**

  
**“Of course I do! Not every day that you see an angel and Jesus Christ having a chat about freakin'… BEEKEEPING, or whatever!”**

**“No, I mean… you do it… a LOT. You glare daggers at Jesus when his back is turned. If looks could kill, he'd have been six feet under weeks ago.”**

  
**“I’m not having this conversation with you. You’re not an agony aunt, Samantha.”**

  
**“Maybe you need one, dude. Just saying.”**

  
_“Hey, fellas!”_

  
**“Gabriel.”**

  
**“Hey.”**

  
_“You’re looking like a kicked puppy, Dean-o. Been rejected for a hookup or something? Because I just met an EXQUISITE blonde by the bar.”_

  
**“He wishes.”**

  
**“Can you two just… stop! I’m fine, and there’s nothing wrong with me not liking Jesus! Just because he’s the Messiah, everyone thinks he’s such a big deal.”**

  
**“He… kind of is, Dean.”**

  
**“That’s it, I’m out of here.”**

  
**“Dean? Dean!”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“Well, this is awkward.”_

  
_“Where is Dean? I saw a diner on the way here and thought that he would appreciate us stopping there to purchase pie when we have concluded our business here.”_

  
**“He’s gone… to the bathroom. I’m sure he’ll be back in a sec.”**

  
_“I see. I shall wait here until he returns.”_

  
** “...” **

  
_“Lil bro, why don’t you go back and keep Jesus company? Looks like he’s being surrounded by hookers.”_

  
_“I shall retrieve him.”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“Someone’s got to tell him about Dean.”**   
  


 

Ten minutes later...

 

  
_“Society has changed somewhat since the Messiah was last manifest on Earth.”_

  
_“Well, what makes you say that, Einstein?”_

  
_“He was engaged in a lengthy discussion about redemption with several hookers. I believe they did not share his interest in the subject. Contrary to his expectations, I also do not know any tax collectors.”_

  
**“Time to go home, I think.”**

  
_“I concur. Where is Dean?”_

  
_“...”_

  
**“...”**

  
_ “He’ll join us later.” _   
  



	10. Whose Idea Was This, Anyways?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SIX FLAGS. The place where dreams, popcorn and happy endings are made. The plot thickens, and the candyfloss congeals.
> 
> ...That sounds REALLY unattractive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arr, this chapter be a monster of the deep!

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“So, what are we gonna do today? I researched some places we could visit. There’s this museum that I thought-”**

 

**“Museum? Hell no! We’re going to the coolest place on Earth!”**

 

_“Antarctica? Dean, that is not economically viable, and the temperatures may-”_

 

_“Genius here doesn’t get it.”_

 

**“We’re going to Six Flags!”**

 

**“Are we ten years old now, Dean?”**

 

**“Ohhh, get off your high horse! You love theme parks!”**

 

**“I don’t know, I’ve never been to one. Dad wasn’t exactly a candyfloss-and-rainbows kind of parent. When did we actually do anything fun, like normal kids?”**

 

**“Okay, okay, poindexter. We’ll go have fun, and I bet you anything that you’ll be shrieking like a little girl on the rollercoasters.”**

 

_“I’m bringing popcorn.”_

 

_“Am I expected to partake in the attractions?”_

 

**“You bet.”**

 

_“I hope you crazy kids aren’t making me babysit Jesus.”_

 

**“Dean wants us all to go.”**

 

**“Damn straight.”**

 

_“That is debatable.”_

 

**“Huh?”**

 

_“I did not say anything.”_

 

 

A few hours later...

 

 

_“Everyone got their candyfloss?”_

 

**“How many calories are in these things? I mean, they’re literally just spun sugar. Add on the colourings, flavourings… not to mention the preservatives...”**

 

**“Stop whining, Sammy.”**

 

_“And you didn’t have to pay a cent.”_

 

**“You STOLE candyfloss?”**

 

_“I… liberated it.”_

 

_“The Messiah needs stricter supervision. He has inadvertently turned the water in the fountains to wine.”_

 

_“Well done for volunteering, Cassy!”_

 

**“Wait, wait, hold up. Gabriel, you’re good at cleanup operations. Go fetch him back here and give him some candyfloss. That ought to keep him occupied.”**

 

**“You’re giving GABRIEL responsibility?”**

 

**“Have a little faith, Sammy. I’m sure he’ll be perfectly fine.”**

 

_“...He is currently selling the alcohol in the fountain to passers-by at extortionate rates.”_

 

**“Like I said. Fine.”**

 

**“DEAN!”**

 

 

A little later on...

 

 

**“Ughhh…”**

 

**“You doin’ okay there, Sammy?”**

 

**“My stomach feels like a laundromat.”**

 

_“If you’re gonna puke, the emergency exits are here, here and waaaay over there.”_

 

**“What’s this next coaster called, anyways?”**

 

_“‘S dmnom.”_

 

**“Gabe, take the candyfloss out of your mouth.”**

 

_“I said, it’s called Demon.”_

 

**“Hey, how the hell did you escape from security?”**

 

_“I used my feminine wiles.”_

 

**“What does that- wait, I don’t even want to know.”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“What’s the matter, Cas?”**

 

_“I do not believe that the Messiah will be agreeable to utilising this attraction, given its name.”_

 

**“Does it look like I give a rat’s ass what he thinks?”**

 

**“What Dean MEANS is that he thinks Jesus will enjoy it anyway.”**

 

_“Very well. I shall sit next to him in order to facilitate communication should he feel in any way intimidated by the velocity of the carriage.”_

 

**“NO! I mean, that’s a bad idea. It would be more… logical if I sat next to you.”**

 

_“How so?”_

 

_“Yeah, please enlighten us.”_

 

**“Dean, are you really gonna try using logic against Cas?”**

 

**“Shut up, Sammy. Gabe can sit next to Jesus. No sense bothering Cas if the resident archangel can help him out, right? Besides, Cas might be... scared. Petrified with fear. Totally unhelpful should any prophets need their hand holding on the vertical loop.”**

 

_“Since when did I become the designated responsible adult? I mean, it’s true that I’ve existed for longer than Cassy, but c’mon! Do I look like babysitter material?”_

 

_“Dean, the top speed of this rollercoaster is 45 miles per hour, with an elevation of 100 feet. I have fallen from Heaven, a distance of approximately-”_

 

**“I think Dean has everyone’s best interests at heart.”**

 

**“I do? I mean, yeah. I do.”**

 

_“As you wish. I will trust your judgement, Sam.”_

 

**“Hmph.”**

 

 

Sometime in the near future...

 

 

**“Let me get this straight. You left Jesus… at the petting zoo?”**

 

_“He’s very good with the animals. One of them had a scratch, and he healed it right up. He’s gathered quite the crowd. Old ladies shoving their chihuahuas at him… that kinda thing.”_

 

**“Remind me why I saved Dean’s hide back there?”**

 

_“Lemme see… because you can’t stand the puppy-eyes between him and a certain tousled angel-man.”_

 

**“Ah. Yeah. This is the fifth time they’ve been round the rollercoaster.”**

 

_“Sixth, actually.”_

 

**“You’ve been counting too?”**

 

_“Puh-lease. Who hasn’t been counting?”_

 

**“I don’t think Cas knows yet.”**

 

_“Dean’s not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to caring and sharing either, y’know.”_

 

**“If I didn’t know better, I’d say that God sent Jesus down here to force Cas and Dean together.”**

 

_“Pretty smart, kiddo.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“He… he wouldn’t.”**

 

_“What can I say? Daddy Dearest is a sucker for a happy ending.”_

 

**“So this is all one elaborate matchmaking scheme? And Jesus is in on it, too?”**

 

_“He’s a great kid. Did you know that I was the one who told Mary she was pregnant?”_

 

**“I might’ve heard something about that, yeah.”**

 

_“Heh, good times. You’re not gonna tell Dean about this?”_

 

**“Me? Nah. He’ll find out for himself sometime. What about you? You gonna tell Cas?”**

 

_“And spoil the fun? Nope. We never had this conversation. Capiche?”_

 

**“I… capiche. I mean, I get it.”**

 

_“You’re not bad, Sammy Winchester.”_

 

**“Thanks. I think.”**

 

 

Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of the park...

 

 

**“Feeling okay?”**

 

_“My motor functions are slightly impaired by the residual imbalance of pressure in my inner ear canal, but I will recover.”_

 

**“So you’re telling me that you’re dizzy.”**

 

_“Correct.”_

 

**“Do you know where the others have got to?”**

 

_“No.”_

 

**“Can’t you use your angel mojo or something?”**

 

_“No.”_

 

**“Are you being deliberately unhelpful?”**

 

_“Yes.”_

 

**“Then why are you- wait, did you say yes?”**

 

_“I would rather spend more time with you, if you are amenable. I believe the ‘BATMAN: The Ride’ attraction is still open. Unless I am mistaken, you have previously shown an interest in DC Comics, so it is logical to assume that you would have an interest in this particular ride.”_

 

**“That’s… weirdly thoughtful, Cas. Okay, sure. We’ll meet up with the others later. I just hope Jesus is staying out of trouble.”**

 

_“It is most unusual. Whenever we are isolated from the presence of Gabriel and Sam, the Messiah appears to behave perfectly well.”_

 

**“He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.”**

 

_“...Excuse me?”_

 

**“It’s a quote from Monty Python. Sorry.”**

 

_“Do not apologise, Dean. I will have to acquaint myself with this Monty Python in order to become accustomed to his phraseology.”_

 

**“Cas- you know what, never mind. Let’s go check out that Batman ride.”**

 

 

An hour later...

 

 

_ “Did you guys have fun?” _

 

_“Dean has been teaching me more about popular culture. Did you know that, contrary to general belief, kryptonite made its debut in Superman’s radio drama, not in the comic books? It served to incapacitate the hero and let other characters take the lead, allowing Bud Collyer, Superman’s voice actor, to take some vacation time.”_

 

**“Fascinating.”**

 

_“We give you all this alone time, and all you do is talk about comic books?”_

 

**“I could’ve eaten the rest of that sundae after all.”**

 

**“Sammy, have you been eating HUMAN food?!”**

 

**“Gabe… persuaded me.”**

 

_“I am sorry if my brother has corrupted you, Sam.”_

 

_ “Oh, I could do SO much more, given the opportunity. Two words: caramel sauce.”  _

 

**“Quit looking at Sammy like he’s something to eat! Hold up. Where’s Jesus?”**

 

_“Have you misplaced the Messiah, Gabriel? It is our divine mandate to-”_

 

_“Cool your boots, hotshot. He’s just using the facilities.”_

 

_“I will ascertain that he is undamaged.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“Surprisingly, he is in perfect health. He is, however, irked that I joined him in the toilet cubicle.”_

 

_“Of course he’s not damaged, you moron.”_

 

**“He’s got that massive stuffed panda from earlier, though.”**

 

**“Do I even wanna know?”**

 

_“He’s great at skeeball. You should challenge him sometime.”_

 

_“What did he name the panda?”_

 

**“Of course he didn’t name the panda, Cas. That would be stupid- right, Sammy?”**

 

**“The panda’s name is Sir Snuffalot, peasant.”**

 

_“And, being a BAMF, he’ll mess you up if you make fun of his name.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“Please, Lord, tell me you’re joking.”**

 

**“Of course he didn’t call the panda Sir Snuffalot. What kind of a stupid name is that, anyway?!”**

 

_“I mean, it’s obvious that a panda of his rare breeding and high social calibre is gonna be called Barnabas.”_

 

**“Barnabas.”**

 

_“At least it is a Biblical name.”_

 

**“Damn it, Cas! Not you, too!”**

 

_“What?”_


	11. Water Into Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are five kinds of drunk.
> 
> Sam and Dean are all five. Jesus is at least three and a half.
> 
> It's not pretty.
> 
> (Jesus's hair looks damn fine in braids, though.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who's given this fic kudos, a comment or a bookmark so far. It's been stewing on my netbook for ages, and Serph and I dug it out again to see if anyone in the big wide world would wanna read it. So, if you have, thank you.
> 
> Peace out, giraffes.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“Cas, have… *hic*... have I ever told you how pretty your eyes are? Bcus they are. Very blue. Like… so blue.”**

  
** “Shhhup, Dena, I’m doing… research. Too loud. Quiet please.” **

  
_“You are braiding the Messiah’s hair, Sam.”_

  
**“He looks pretty, Sammy. Like Cas. Cassy. Caaaaastiel.”**

  
_“Yes, Dean?”_

  
**“Nothin’.”**

  
_“Hey, kids! Having fun?”_

  
**“Jesus got nail polish on my favourite shirt.”**

  
_“I’ll take that as a resounding yes. Mind if I take pictures?”_

  
_“Dean, I am feeling uncomfortable. Is there not another place you could rest your head?”_

  
**“Nmmmph.”**

  
_“Gabriel, please assist me in removing Dean from my lap.”_

  
_“Hell no. This photo is gonna haunt you for the rest of your existence, bro.”_

  
**“Dean, be nice. This plait needs concen… cone… concentration.”**

  
_“Use superglue?”_

  
**“Good idea!”**

  
_“Do not encourage them, Gabriel.”_

  
**“I want pie. Cas, get me pie.”**

  
_“I would indulge your drunken whim, but I believe that you would merely vomit it up again.”_

  
**“Oh no.”**

  
_“What is it, Samsquatch?”_

  
**“I lost my shoe.”**

  
**“Heh… dumbass.”**

  
_“Gabriel, what is the safe limit for humans to continue imbibing alcoholic beverages?”_

  
_“Search me. Whatever it is, they passed it a few light-years ago and then some.”_

  
_“Have they included the Messiah in this activity? I fear that his human form is also subject to intoxication.”_

  
_“He’s just started singing La Marseillaise. Kid’s got talent.”_

  
_“Oh, Father…”_

  
_"Brother mine, I do believe you just blasphemed.”_

  
_“Desperate times call for desperate measures. I propose confining them to their respective bedrooms until they have sobered up.”_

  
_ “But they’re just getting FUN!” _

  
_“Stop being so insensitive, brother. This is the Messiah that we are talking about.”_

  
_“The one slow dancing with Sammy to ‘Me And Mrs. Jones’?”_

  
_“Unfortunately. Wait, Dean... Dean, what are you doing?”_

  
**“Sleepinggg.”**

  
_“You cannot sleep on me, Dean. I am a transient being. I will need to move from this location in the near future.”_

  
**“Shhuuup.”**

  
_“Gabriel, he is… undressing me. Mmph!”_

  
_ “I’ll give you two some privacy. Thing One and Thing Two, follow me. I know a place where they do FANTASTIC mojitos.” _

  
**“Yaaay, Doritos!”**

  
_“Uh-huh. Skedaddle.”_

  
_“gABRIEL-”_

  
_“Ciao, lil bro! Lose yourself in the moment!”_

  
_“DEAN-”_   


 

The morning after...

  
  
**“Unfff… what the hell happened last night?”**

  
_“...”_

  
**“Cas?!”**

  
_“I was waiting for you to wake up. I have prepared coffee. I am told that it relieves the symptoms of a hangover.”_

  
**“You're looking kinda flushed. You okay?”**

  
_“Yes.”_

  
**“Wait, are you... blushing?”**

  
_“You must be mistaken, Dean. I will fetch your coffee immediately.”_

  
**“SAMMY! YOU THERE?”**

  
**“Stop yelling… Don’t… talk… to me…”**

  
**“You stink of booze. How much did you drink?”**

  
**“...Enough.”**

  
**“Where’s Tall, Dark and Holy?”**

  
**“Asleep... in the bathtub…”**

  
**“I’d better go check on him.”**

  
**“Unfff. Let me die.”**

  
**“My heart bleeds for you. You’re stressier than usual this morning. Something happen last night?”**

  
**“You could say that, Dean. I woke up next to Gabriel. He snores.”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“Don’t even talk to me.”**

  
_“I thought we had something, cupcake.”_

  
**“You and… Gabriel?!”**

  
**“Jesus wouldn’t stop singing. I needed to go somewhere quiet.”**

  
**“So you… you and GABRIEL…?”**

  
**“I DON’T KNOW, DEAN!”**

  
**“Woah, take a chill pill, Samantha. Cool it. We all do things we regret, and in your case, Gabriel is just one of them. On second thoughts, scratch that... he counts as two.”**

  
**“Don’t you DARE find this funny!”**

  
**“I’m gonna go check on my coffee. Cas is angsting somethin' fierce.”**

  
**“Don’t you run away from me, Dean!”**

  
**“It’s a brisk jog, Sammy!”**   
  


 

A few minutes later...

 

  
**“Hello, Dean. Your coffee is on the countertop.”**

  
**“Hey, uh, Cas. Don’t suppose you remember what happened last night? It was pretty much lights-out for me, you know what I mean?”**

  
_“N-no, not from personal experience. I do believe that Jesus was involved in some kind of bet with Gabriel. They played Dance Dance Revolution.”_

  
_“I won, but that goes without saying. I’ve got some smooth moves.”_

  
**“...Wow. I would’ve paid to see that.”**

  
_“I think you were a lil bit…. preoccupied at the time.”_

  
**“What does that mean?”**

  
_“Nothing, Dean. Gabriel, console Sam. He’s feeling… fragile.”_

  
**“Suuure. Nothing happened, my ass. You know something, Cas, and I’ll get it out of you somehow… ugh. I’m gonna brush my teeth. My mouth feels like something crawled into it and died. Thanks for the coffee.”**

  
_“You are most welcome.”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“Castiel and Dean, sitting in a tree…”_

  
_“Shut up, Gabriel.”_   
  



	12. Angels Anonymous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabe and Cas have a lil heart-to-heart. Gabe regrets this as soon as it starts, but Cas has a lot to get off his chest, and as it turns out, Gabe could use some advice too.

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

_“Can’t believe I’m saying this, but… do you wanna talk?”_

  
_“About what?”_

  
_“The weather. What do you think, muttonhead? Feelings. Angst. Emotional turmoil. The works.”_

  
_“I do not know what you are talking about.”_

  
_“Sure you don’t. You’ve got a big ol' crush.”_

  
_“You are mistaken. The relationship between Dean and I is strictly professional-”_

  
_“Aha! So you do want a piece of his ass!”_

  
_“I never said that.”_

  
_“No, but you DID know exactly who I was talking about. Doesn’t take Sammy-level intellect to figure it out.”_

  
_“Do… do you think that Dean knows that my feelings have progressed beyond the bounds of propriety?”_

  
_“Propriety? What is this, a Victorian melodrama?”_

  
_“Be serious, Gabriel.”_

  
_“...Fine. I think he’s too dense to figure it out. Too busy fondling his car and kissing his muscles. And I don't just mean the ones upstairs.”_

  
_“Do you think he is attracted to me?”_

  
_“Okay, so we’re playing Twenty Questions now. Fine, I'm game. I’d say ‘attraction’ is a little generous. Dean-o usually bangs anything with a pulse, so I don’t see how you’re any different.”_

  
_“He has already… ‘banged’ me, in an approximation of the word... as you so crudely put it. He does not remember, however.”_

  
_“Do youuuu? Huh? Huh?”_

  
_“I… yes, I do, Gabriel. Stop doing that… thing… with your eyebrows.”_

  
_“So you’re worried that you’ve given a part of yourself away that you will never get back, and that dear ol’ Dean will freak if he finds out that you two did the horizontal tango, jeopardising your friendship and ruining your entire existence.”_

  
_“That is a surprisingly apt description.”_

  
_“I have my moments. The question is, what are you gonna do about it?”_

  
_“I do not know. Perhaps a romantic gesture is required.”_

  
_“Screw that. Make him jealous! Spend more time with Jesus. Have you seen how much Dean hates the guy? It’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad.”_

  
_“You believe that I should fabricate a romance with the Messiah in order to force Dean to admit his feelings for me?”_

  
_“Hey, it’s foolproof. What could possibly go wrong?”_

  
_“...”_

  
_“...”_

  
_“Gabriel.”_

  
_“What?”_

  
_“Thank you. Have you… experienced feelings for a human before?”_

  
_“This is NOT a two-way channel, lil bro. Radio Awesome only transmits.”_

  
_“It is just that I wish to return the favour. If there is any advice you require-”_

  
_“Nope. I can take care of myself.”_

  
_“You are avoiding the question.”_

  
_“...”_

  
_“...”_

  
_“You’re smarter than I give you credit for.”_

  
_“I try.”_

  
_“Castiel, are you sassing me?”_

  
_“I do not know what you mean.”_

  
_“Okay, since we’ve already got a circle of emotional healing going on, I guess I can tell you. Don't ever repeat this... Sam.”_

  
_“I.. I-I am not Sam.”_

  
_“I take back what I said earlier. You’re dense. I swear, it's like talking to a brick wall.”_

  
_“You mean that Sam Winchester is the human being you are harbouring feelings of affection for?”_

  
_“Bingo. Jackpot. Yahtzee.”_

  
_“When did this occur?”_

  
_“Same night that all your lady-problems started. I took Sammy and Jesus out of your hair so that you and Dean could have some quality time. We went out, had a few more drinks, then came back when I was sure that you were both asleep. Jesus thought the bathtub would be a great place to crash, so I let him get on with it. It was just me and Sammy left, and... I coulda done anything, and he wouldn’t have remembered a thing, y'know? But I heaved him into his room, tucked him up and all that crap, made sure he was okay. I was leaving when he muttered my name, like he knew I was still there. I couldn’t go after that. Apparently our Samuel’s a hugger. And now he thinks that we… damn, this doesn’t make any sense.”_

  
_“...”_

  
_“Go ahead, laugh if you want. I'd be pissing myself if I were you.”_

  
_“Why would I do that? It is obvious that you care very deeply for Sam.”_

  
_“That’s the problem! He snuck up on me like some clumsy ninja moose, and now I can’t get him out of my head!”_

  
_“Perhaps we should follow each other's advice.”_

  
_“Huh?”_

  
_“If I fabricate an attraction to the Messiah in order to win Dean’s affections, then perhaps you should try a romantic gesture to secure Sam’s.”_

  
_“That’s… not a bad idea.”_

  
_“I shall inform the Messiah that I will be behaving in an amorous fashion towards him.”_

  
_“I’ll think about something crazy romantic I can do for Sammy. We make a right pair, huh?”_

  
_“We do indeed. Good luck, Gabriel.”_

  
_“Same to you. And… Cassy?”_

  
_“Yes?”_

  
_“If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I’ll rip off your wings and stuff them down your throat.”_

  
_“I- I understand.”_

  
_“Sayonara!”_   
  



	13. The Last Supper (Sort Of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner at a steakhouse. It's cozy, it's traditional, but hey, who ordered the angst?
> 
> Cas's plan comes into play, and Dean is NOT happy, lemme tell ya. Everyone else is just a helpless spectator to the three-car pile-up. And not the kinky kind.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“We’re taking Jesus out to a steakhouse. Really?”**

  
**“Uh-huh.”**

  
**“How do you know he likes steak? He might be a vegan, or a pescetarian… or something.”**

  
**“You kidding? It’s unnatural, man.”**

  
**“He’s the son of God, Dean, he can afford to be picky.”**

  
_“I believe that he will be amenable to any venue that we select. After all, he is here to experience human customs and culture. Steak is traditional American fare, correct?”_

  
**“Well… yeah, I guess.”**

  
_“It is fitting, therefore, that the Messiah samples local cuisine.”_

  
**“What he said.”**

  
_“They do dessert, right?”_

  
**“Sure they do. Just… after mains.”**

  
_“I’ll be good with a few helpings of dessert.”_

  
_“You will set a bad example to the Messiah.”_

  
**“He’ll make up his own mind about what he wants when we get there. He’s a big boy now.”**

 

 

A few minutes later...

  
  
  
  
**“You were SAYING, Dean?”**

  
**“I can’t believe he just ordered cherry pie with banana ice cream. Damn waste of good pie.”**

  
_“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, Dean-o.”_

  
**“I’ll have the Cobb Salad, please.”**

  
**“You kidding me? You can’t order salad in a steakhouse, Sammy!”**

  
**“The salad. Thanks.”**

  
_“I will have a cheeseburger.”_

  
**“Make that two, but hold the onions, sweetheart.”**

  
_“Lemme see… I’ll take a strawberry cheesecake, a banana split, three of the waffles... and a side of brownies.”_

  
**“Anything ELSE?”**

  
_“Oh yeah, almost forgot. A Snickers shake, double the peanut butter.”_

  
** “I think you’ve discovered a foolproof way to get instant diabetes.” **

  
_“Can’t exist on rabbit food forever, Samwise.”_

  
_“...”_

  
** “...” **

  
**“So, Jesus… how does it feel, being the son of God and all?”**

  
**“You can’t ask him that!”**

  
**“I’m just tryin’ to make conversation until the food gets here!”**

  
_“I believe that it feels largely normal, as he has not experienced the company of many other fathers.”_

  
**“What about that Joseph guy? He made a cameo somewhere, didn't he”**

  
_“Woah-oh, he freaked out big-time when Mary dropped that lil bombshell on him.”_

  
_“What Gabriel means to say is that the Messiah has spent a larger proportion of his existence in the company of God.”_

  
** “So Jesus doesn’t share any genetic material with Joseph at all?” **

  
**“Great, now you’ve got Professor Winchester interested.”**

  
_“Joseph’s genes? Don’t think so, Sammy. Jesus is easy on the eyes, though, am I right? Look at that face. Those eyes could make Kate Moss weep.”_

  
**“Uh, I didn’t really give his eyes much thought. Or the rest of him.”**

  
_“‘Easy on the eyes’ does not do justice to the superlative aesthetic beauty of the Messiah. He the embodiment of physical perfection.”_

  
**“...”**

  
_“You okay there, Dean-o? You look like a cat in a rainstorm.”_

  
**“Let’s... order dessert.”**

  
_“Time for round two!”_

  
**“Haven’t you already had dessert?”**

  
_“I’ve got a speedy metabolism, so don’t get preachy.”_

  
_“Dean, you appear to be gripping my leg rather tightly. Is there any particular reason for this sudden gesture?”_

  
**“Ah, nope. Just thought you’d splashed some hot sauce on your pants. My mistake.”**

  
_“My burger did not come with hot sauce. You may now remove your hand.”_

  
**“Gotcha.”**

  
_“Thank you.”_

  
**“Sorry, dude.”**

  
** “...” **

  
_“...”_

  
_“Kids.”_   
  



	14. To Catch A Samantha, Bait Your Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins... Gabe's misguided plan to win his fair Samantha's heart doesn't go as well as he'd hoped. At all, actually.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

  
  
  
_ “It’s a bouquet.” _

  
** “I… I can see that, thanks.” **

  
_ “A bouquet. Made of chocolate. For you.” _

  
** “This is nice and all, Gabe, but… I don’t eat chocolate, remember?” **

  
_ “Aw, f- Just… take them already. My arm is falling asleep.” _

  
** “No, no, wait, it’s okay… thanks. It was nice of you to think of me.” **

  
_ “I can’t do this.” _

  
“...”

  
“...”

  
**“Hey, don’t- damn it! He just left without any explanation!”**

  
**“The hell.”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“Seriously. Dude. What the hell.”**

  
**“I don’t know, Dean!”**

  
**“What’s going on? This isn’t the Winchesters’ summer camp for lovesick angels!”**

  
_“It is not summer, Dean.”_

  
**“Whatever.”**

  
**“He gave me flowers. Chocolate... flowers. Flowers made of chocolate.”**

  
_“The sentiment is profound. Flowers are a notoriously romantic gesture. Not to mention that chocolate is, according to some sources, a potent aphrodisiac-”_

  
**“Dude!”**

  
**“Lemme get this straight. Gabriel- THE Gabriel, number one pain-in-the-ass Gabriel- gave you chocolate flowers?”**

  
** “Dean, stop laughing.” **

  
**“I… oh my God…”**

  
**“Dean.”**

  
_“Perhaps you should give your brother some time to regain control of his mental faculties.”_

  
**“PAHAHAHAHA!”**

  
**“Why would Gabe get me anything? He knows I don’t like chocolate. Is this some kind of elaborate prank? Because it’s not funny.”**

  
_“I do not believe that it was intended to be in any way malicious, Sam.”_

  
**“PAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”**

  
** “Yes, thank you, Dean. Your contribution is much appreciated.” **


	15. The Lights Are On, But There's Nobody Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean bond over their mutual exasperation with Sam and Gabe, and Sabriel is born. Not without a heavy dose of miscommunication and awkwardness, though. Nothing's ever simple for the Winchester boys.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

“Cas, I’ve called this meeting to discuss the travesty that is the relationship between your brother and mine.”

  
_“They are not currently engaged in any relationship.”_

  
**“That’s the problem.”**

  
_“I… I see.”_

  
**“So, since you and Jesus are probably gonna be knockin’ boots in the near future, I thought I’d turn all Dr. Phil and get Gabe and Sammy together, too.”**

  
_“The Messiah and I are not ‘knocking boots’, Dean.”_

  
**“Don’t play innocent with me, Cas. I want you to talk to Gabe and see what the hell’s up with those chocolate flowers.”**

  
_“We have already talked. It was I who suggested that Sam may appreciate a romantic gesture, but Gabriel chose to interpret my advice more liberally than I had anticipated.”_

  
**“You suggested being all ‘Let’s get hitched in Vegas’?”**

  
_“I hoped that Gabriel being forthright about his obvious high regard for Sam would convince him of the sincerity of his affections.”_

  
**“Jeez. Do you know if he’s getting Sam anything else?”**

  
_“I do not. It appears that Gabriel felt rebuffed after the incident with the flowers. However, if I know my brother, we can count on his stubbornness. I fear that Sam’s unfavourable reaction to the confectionary bouquet will merely spur Gabriel on.”_

  
**“You don’t want them to stop tiptoeing around each other and fuck already?”**

  
_“From what I have seen of Sam’s behaviour so far, it would be unwise of Gabriel to frighten him away.”_

  
**“My brother isn’t a delicate woodland creature, Cas. He’ll want to know where he stands.”**

  
_“I understand. I shall… encourage further efforts on Gabriel’s part.”_

  
**“Great. Now, get outta here. I’m sure Jesus needs help figuring out the shower controls or something.”**

  
_“That is not urgent. I am sure that he can figure them out on his own. I will talk to Gabriel first.”_

  
**“Oh… sure. Right. See ya, Cas.”**

  
_“I will return soon- that is, if Gabriel does not involve me in the next questionable scheme he concocts.”_   
  


  
  
Three days later...  
  
  


  
  
**“Have the clouds parted? Is sunlight streaming through, brightening the dull grey haze of your love life?”**

  
**“No, Dean.”**

  
**“Can you see a rainbow?”**

  
**“NO.”**

  
**“Okay, Samantha, lemme list all the gifts your One True Love has given you over the last few days.”**

  
**“Oh, God…”**

  
**“The laptop.”**

  
**“Have you seen the processing speed? It’s state-of-the-art, man!”**

  
**“Except you didn’t talk to him for freakin' ages until you’d pressed every button on the damn thing.”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“The horse mask.”**

  
**“I don’t even know. That was priceless… I didn’t even know you COULD shriek, Dean.”**

  
**“I sounded like a freakin’ banshee. An extremely strong, manly banshee, of course. What was next… oh, yeah. C’mon, dude… the Game of Thrones box set?”**

  
**“What can I say? He knows me.”**   
**“So, what, he can be the Loras to your Renly? Excuse me while I puke.”**

  
**“You forgot the king-size playing cards.”**

  
**“And king-size… other things.”**

  
**“...”**

  
**“Stop blushing, Sammy. He knows you’re well-endowed. He wants some of that moose action.”**

  
**“DEAN.”**

  
**“Okay, okay… he also got you that bottle opener. The one shaped like a massive-”**

  
**“Shut up!”**

  
**“Dude, even I can see that you are blatantly being hit on. He's as subtle as a T-Rex on a cruise ship, but he's certainly making up for it with enthusiasm.”**

  
**“I’m not being hit on. Why would an archangel go for a guy like me?”**

  
**“Maybe you’ve seduced him with your awkwardness. Search me, I’m no love expert, but you two should just get married already.”**

  
**“I don’t think he’s that kind of guy.”**

  
**“Think of the children…”**

  
**“Give it a rest, Dean!”**

  
**“This problem ain’t gonna go away by itself, Sammy. You gotta do something.”**

  
**“Like what?”**

  
**“Tell him. Kiss. Fuck. Whatever. Sort it out!”**

  
**“I think we might’ve done two of those already.”**

  
**“Seriously? You were hammered. Gabe may be totally obnoxious, with an ego the size of a Ruguru's appetite, but he isn’t that kind of guy. Aren’t angels all about consent, anyways?”**

  
**“I could.”**

  
**“What?”**

  
**“I… I could. I could do it.”**

  
**“Do what? Sammy, don’t keep me in suspense, here!”**

  
**“Hold my laptop.”**

  
**“SAM!”**   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More references, mostly KOTOR-related. Drop a cheeky comment if you spot them.
> 
> Peace out, giraffes.


	16. Spirit In The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music preferences are serious stuff, you know. Cas and Dean third-wheel while Sam and Gabe are disgustingly adorable, and they realise that hey, maybe there's hope for them too.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“What are you doing, Dean?”**

  
**“Huh? Oh, just listening to some music. Nothin’ special.”**

  
**“Metallica or AC/DC?”**

  
**“Pick one, smartass.”**

  
**“Seriously, do you ever listen to anything else?”**

  
_ “Black Sabbath.” _

  
**“Why’s everyone laying into me about my music taste all of a sudden? Can’t a man enjoy his rockin’ tunes in peace?”**

  
**“That’s not music.”**

  
**“Then what is, huh? Enya?”**

  
_ “I do NOT listen to Enya.” _

  
_“Sure you don’t. Kenny Chesney? You seem like the country music type. Tumbleweed and combine harvesters, you know.”_

  
**“Country music sucks ass.”**

  
“...”

  
_**“Gabriel, where did you get that karaoke machine?”** _

  
_ “Trust me, they won’t miss it.” _

  
** “Stop playing Asia!” **

  
_“You know you want it.”_

  
**“Like Blurred Lines is any better! Remind me why I decided to give you a chance, again?"**

  
_ “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you finally got it into that thick, irritatingly handsome Cro-Magnon skull of yours that I’m perfect boyfriend material?” _

  
**“Excuse me while I puke.”**

  
_“Are you well, Dean?”_

  
_ “If only Dean’s Rapunzel locks were long enough to be lovingly held out of his face by a certain pining angel…” _

  
** “The angst is killing me.” **

  
**“You two are freakin’ hilarious. It’s bad enough that you’re now a package deal.”**

  
_“We do not seem to be utilising the karaoke machine.”_

  
**“That’s probably a good thing. Sammy, just put something on the stereo, will ya?”**

  
**“Uh… looks like Jesus beat me to it.”**

  
_“Oh, I love this song! Doesn’t it remind you of someone?”_

  
**“Why the hell would Jesus put on… Angel With A Shotgun? Seriously?”**

  
_“I do not understand.”_

  
_“Give it time. You will.”_

  
**“Gabe, that sounds really ominous.”**

  
_“I know, honeybunch, but I have a penchant for the dramatic in life. Comes from moonlighting as the Trickster.”_

  
**“Honeybunch? Cas, let’s get outta here, or they’ll become middle-class parents with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.”**

  
_“Direct genetic progeny from a homosexual couple is, as yet, biologically impossible without the intervention of a surrogate mother. The first two children could be adopted, but attempting to bisect a child to produce the ‘half’ you mentioned is highly unethical.”_

  
_“What he said.”_

  
** “I despair for you all.” **   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want a link to the song I mentioned? If you haven't heard it before, give it a whirl... it ain't nicknamed 'The Destiel Song' for nothing.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua830TJ1jxA


	17. Coming Out Of The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly, Destiel. Gabe loves a bit of irony.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“Cas! CAS! Goddamn son of a-”**

 

_“Yes, Dean?”_

 

**“Cas. Thank God. I was looking for some stuff in our closet for Jesus and the freakin’ door slammed shut and locked. I’m thinking Gabe’s involved somehow, and if he is, I’m gonna kill the pint-sized bastard. Can you give me a hand? I don’t wanna be sued for damages if I have to bust out of here.”**

 

_“You called me to get you out of a locked closet?”_

 

**“...Yeah? What are you waiting for, just whammy me out of here already!”**

 

_“I apologise, Dean, but I cannot perform this task.”_

 

**“What? Why the hell not?”**

 

_“Hello Dean.”_

 

**“Holy shit, Cas, you scared the crap outta me! How are you in here too?”**

 

_“I am certain that Gabriel is responsible for this. He has somehow made it so that I cannot transport either myself or you outside of this pocket of reality.”_

 

**“You’re kidding me, right?”**

 

_“No. I am sorry, Dean.”_

 

**“Not your fault, it’s that archangel. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU SMUG PIECE OF CRAP? JUST WAIT ‘TIL I GET OUT OF HERE!”**

 

_“He will not hear you. He took the Messiah to an ice cream parlour.”_

 

**“Sammy will hear, then. He’ll bust us out.”**

 

_“Sam accompanied them.”_

 

**“FUCK!”**

 

_“By all accounts, we already did that.”_

 

**“What?”**

 

_“I did not say anything.”_

 

**“So what do we do?”**

 

_“We could... talk.”_

 

**“Do NOT go all chick-flick protagonist on me, Cas.”**

 

_“Why do you get so angry when I spend time with the Messiah? It is my holy duty to look after him.”_

 

**“Oh, here we go. I’ll tell you why- most people don’t have angels to wipe their asses, that’s why!”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“It’s the ass thing, isn’t it? Just don’t. Don’t even say it.”**

 

_“I know what you meant. Your mannerisms are becoming clearer to me. Nevertheless, the Messiah's safety is my responsibility, and I must watch over him.”_

 

**“There’s more than life to duty, Cas. Wish I could’ve told myself that years ago.”**

 

_“It is sound advice. You, for example, are not my responsibility, yet I have come to care for you.”_

 

**“...What?”**

 

_“From the moment I raised you from perdition, you ceased to be my concern. I found myself… drawn to you, regardless. You have an illogical fondness for alcohol and theme parks and pie and…”_

 

**“Hold up. Hooold up one minute.”**

 

_“I do not know what to do, Dean. I love all of my Father’s children, even Gabriel, although he certainly is… unconventional. You, however, are different. It is… distracting. Your drunkenness resulted in an outcome I could not have predicted, and Gabriel told me that I should try and make you jealous, but my actions only succeeded in making you angry.”_

 

**“Wait. Wait. You followed Gabe’s relationship advice? You went all puppy-eyes over Mr. Tall, Dark and Preachy to make me jealous? And what’s all this ‘unforeseen outcome’ crap? What happened?”**

 

_“You were intoxicated. I do not expect you to remember.”_

 

**“We… played charades? Ate ice cream and talked about our feelings? Made out? WHAT?”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“Don’t say it’s that last one. And for God’s sake, stop looking at me like that!”**

 

_“That is not all that occurred, but it is closest to the correct description of the night’s events.”_

 

**“I didn’t. We… didn’t. Tell me we didn’t get horizontal.”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“I’m going to Hell for this, aren’t I?”**

 

_“If that is the case, I will retrieve you once again.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“Oh. OH.”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“Uh. Feelings. Not my strong point. But for what it’s worth, and I really don’t think it’s worth that much... I’d come get your scrawny ass, too. Don’t read too much into it, though. That was a one-time offer.”**

 

_“One-time offer or not... it is worth a lot to me.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“Your silence is alarming. Dean, have I said something to offend you? Because I assure you, I- mmmf!”_

 

 

 

In an ice cream parlour, about a mile away...

 

 

 

_“Score! They’re making out like horny teenagers. Mission accomplished, job well done, if I do say so myself. The irony of them both emerging from the closet together like awkward phoenixes is masterful, it really is.”_

 

**“Gabe! Stop perving on my brother!”**

 

_“Make me.”_

 

**“...That’s it, you’re sleeping on the sofa tonight.”**

 

_“You wouldn’t dare, Sasquatch.”_

 

**“Oh, I would. Shut up and eat your ice cream.”**

 

_“...”_

 

**“What’s that face for? The eyebrows are starting to freak me out, if I’m honest. Indigestion? Gas?”**

 

_“Well, well, well... Sammy Winchester, getting all commanding. I like it.”_

 

**“Huh? What are you- wait, you do?"**

 

_“Lemme show you just how much I like it…”_

 

**“Jesus is literally right there, it’d be rude to- Where are you taking me? Gabe? Gabriel? We’re not allowed back here, it’s the employee- mmmf!”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of our journey, friends. It's been fun. After the final chapter to round everything off, Serph has written a load of one-shots in this fluff!verse that she would like to share with the class.
> 
> There will be moooore.


	18. Endings Wrapped Up In A Bow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is almost it, giraffes. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
> 
> Stay tuned for the final chapter, in which somebody finds his voice. Two somebodies, actually.
> 
> Such fun.

**Dean**

**Sam**

_Cas_

_Gabe_

 

 

**“So… uh… that’s what happened.”**

 

_“Yes. More or less. It has been abridged considerably, and embellished, but-”_

 

**“It’s goddamn perfect. So, after that, Jesus pretty much vanished without a trace. We got a postcard from Antigua.”**

 

_“He seems to have become a fully-functioning individual in a modern society.”_

 

**“Yeah, thanks to me and you. Without us, he’d have been eaten alive.”**

 

_“And, what, are Samwise and I underpaid extras or something? Bitch, we stole the show!”_

 

**“Arguing with Gabe will only prolong the pain, Dean. Accept it and move on.”**

 

_“I agree with Sam. Let us compromise. All of our efforts had equal merit.”_

 

**“...”**

 

_“...”_

 

_“...”_

 

**“Well… I suppose that’s it. Happily Ever After, The End, blah blah blah.”**

 

**“Dean, since when have we ever had an ending wrapped up in a bow?”**

 

**“Since now. This is a new start, Sammy. We’re gonna make the most of it.”**

 

_“Hallelujah, amen!”_

 

_“Gabriel, where did you get the confetti?”_

 

_“A kid's birthday party.”_

 

**“Some things never change.”**

 


	19. Amen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it, folks. The conversation you all never knew you wanted.
> 
> Father-son bonding time just isn't the same when you're an omnipotent multi-dimensional celestial entity.

Jesus

**GOD**

 

 

**"WELL, MY SON?"**

 

"It was... interesting, Father. They've done my brothers good."

**"IT IS A SHAME IT TOOK SO LONG FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND."**

 

"Yeah-huh. Top tip? Next time, don’t run off on holiday and leave Michael running the show. He gets stress ulcers."

**"I LEFT YOU IN CHARGE. I THOUGHT THEY WOULD FOLLOW YOU."**

 

"Do you understand NOW? It's a bit late for that. It's like... sending condolences ten years late."

 

**"YES, MY SON. BUT CASTIEL AND GABRIEL… I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR THEM NOW, AND THEIR HUMAN COMPANIONS."**

 

"More big plans? After everything you've put them through? Dean was right, you're the worst kind of deadbeat dad."

 

**"YOU HAVE... CHANGED. I DO NOT THINK I LIKE IT. IF THE WINCHESTERS' WELLBEING IS WEIGHING THAT HEAVILY ON YOUR MIND, DO NOT WORRY. THEY WILL BE WELL, AND LIVE THEIR LIVES FULLY ON THEIR OWN TERMS. WHEN THEY JOIN ME IN MY GARDEN, THEIR PURPOSE SHALL TRULY BEGIN."**

 

"..."

 

**"...WHAT."**

 

"Dad. Skip the cryptic stuff, okay? You've been doing it for millennia. Enunciate. What, exactly, are you going to do to them?"

 

**"REMEMBER ENOCH?"**

 

"Oh God."

  


_***THE END*** _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
_**...For now** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again- thank you, thank you, thank you for reading. I love each and every one of you giraffes in a totally platonic, non-creepy way.
> 
> More to come from this universe, so stay tuned, gang.


	20. Holy Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a little addition to the Jesus Diaries, one of many which I will be putting up. It takes place right near the beginning of all the shenanigans.

So, Sammy made me take the video down because apparently it’s cruel or whatever. Bitch. But I figured if this is supposed to be a diary of our time with Jesus or whatever then I could totally write this here. Jesus is hanging with Cas at the moment debating the logic behind the Bible channel (don’t ask) and the Sasquatch is out getting rabbit food. So here I go.

We were out on a hunt a couple of nights ago ‘cause having Jesus around is like having a ‘kick me’ sign on our backs for all the things that go bump in the night and it pays to stay ahead of the game. We were taking out a couple of demons, which frankly despite Sammy being all save the meatbags is easy as pie with Cas along. We used up our last dregs of holy water keeping them busy while Sammy did his thing, but no worries right? Because there have got to be some perks to having Jesus following us around like a puppy who’s been lost in the depths of the universe for two thousand years. (Heaven is not within this universe, Dean.) (Shut up, Cas). We get back to this grungy motel and piled into mine and Cas’ room (I won the rock paper scissors) with some bottles of water and a couple of cans of beer. With hindsight, the beer may have not been the best idea.

We’re all sat on the double bed, which is barely enough to fit me, never mind Cas, so it’s a good job he doesn’t need sleep. Sasquatch takes up most of it this time, fucking giant. Anyway, we’re sat around with this bottle between us like we’re about to play some kind of celestial truth or dare and Jesus puts his hands on it, looks at me and asks what he should say. We usually have this whole complicated ritual, but I had a couple of beers and we had an angel and Jesus in the room so I figured this water was going to get pretty damn holy no matter what happened, so without thinking I told him to say the first movie quote which popped into my head. Which happened to be: “I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”. Cue horrified snorting from Sammy and simply horrified from Cas. Jesus repeats it back completely straight faced as well, though he does look faintly puzzled. Sam then joins in with “Oh, but you can’t expect to wield extreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a halo at you!” and Jesus once again repeats it, looking puzzled, on the next bottle. Cas, by this point, is looking absolutely furious and torn between smiting us now or hovering over us to protect us while everything else up above smited us. (Heaven is not above you, Dean. And it was very disrespectful. You are lucky our Father is forgiving.) (Yeah, yeah, I know.) We keep going back and forth with different movie lines, and I’ve been recording the whole thing. Cas calmed down a bit when we stopped being so blasphemous, and even started to guess the movie.

I’ve had a couple of beers and we’re down to the last bottle of water and no one can think of a line, Cas because he is hopeless (I am not! I am very hopeful!) (Seriously dude, shut up!) and Sam because despite being the size of a mountain he is an absolute lightweight and is now giggling uncontrollably. Jesus is looking at me for his next cue, and before I can stop myself I’m saying “Supreme executive power derives from the mandate of the masses, not from some spiritual being with a superiority complex”. Now, Sam sobers up pretty damn quick at that one, and Cas looks like keeping me alive on all these hunts has not been worth the effort. Jesus, bless him (Don’t even go there, Cas, I swear t- I mean it!) parrots the line back and sits back, looking proud but confused. Cas is shaking, actually shaking with rage, but before I can even begin to muster a defence he rounds on a still unfocused Sam and begins gathering himself for a shouting spree. Samantha looks both terrified and confused, but I kinda tune out as I want to see exactly what footage I got on my phone.

In between chuckling over the footage I’ve got, I can hear snatches of Cas shouting at Sam that it was his fault, he started it with the halo comment and wasn’t he supposed to be the smart one? Sammy didn’t seem all that capable of putting up a defence, if his “But Dean said-“ and “But he’s older!” ’s were anything to go by. Eventually, Cas seemed to give up and went to watch TV with Jesus (Which is something I’d never thought I’d say) so I nudged Samantha, who still looked confused, to show him the clip of Jesus telling a water bottle to use the force. Though the next morning he denied it, Sammy even showed me how to upload it to YouTube. We got a couple thousand hits before Samantha told me to take it down so it didn’t hurt Jesus’ feelings or whatever.

Anyways, we all go to sleep, I had to take Sam’s room ‘cause he passed out on my bed, the bitch. Cas and Jesus joined me. Turns out, Jesus is a snorer. Who knew! We wake up, Sam pukes up his salad and extra-lean mocha frappe-latte or whatever the fuck it was and tells me to take the video down. I do, because it’s not worth the bitchface from Sam and Cas, but they can’t bitch at me for writing it down. The video is now deleted off my phone too, but not permanently gone if the text telling me “Good one, Dean-o. Had to explain some of them to Dad, but he seemed to approve. Also, the water is one-hundred percent anti-demon” is any clue. Just wish the bastard hadn’t also locked my background onto a picture of some kind of anime lesbian orgy. Bitch.


	21. To Catch a Samantha, bait your trap with...

Dean _Cas_

A bouquet of chocolate flowers - Mixed reaction. Didn’t like the chocolate, was confused about the flowers. _He did seem rather touched though._ He’s a girl, he gets emotional over thoughtless romantic gestures. _No he’s not._ Nevermind, Cas.

A shiny new laptop, state of the art - Positive reaction, but not for Gabe. Sammy loved it, pushed every button at least three times, and immediately began to transfer all our softwarey filey stuff. Ignored Gabe though. Still, brownie points for when he remembers, I suppose. _It was a_ \- Just don’t, Cas.

A giant gummy worm, with a winky face - Did not need that fucking mental image. Sam seemed to enjoy it though. Fucking slurping.

Playing cards, king-size - I cracked up. Cas looked puzzled. Sam threw them at him, but then I saw them playing solitaire or something. They looked like they were having fun. I was showing Cas and Jesus Monty Python, so decided to let them be. _I liked that movie._ I’m glad. Its a classic.

A horse mask - I fucking hate both of them. The last fucking thing I need to see at 3 in the fucking morning is a fucking giant glowing horse head monster. Nearly fucking shot Sam! _No you didn’t, you screamed and fell out of bed._ Fuck off.

Hubble Space Telescope tickets - Sam actually squealed with excitement. Remembered to say thank you this time though. He seemed very close to hugging him. Glad he didn’t.

I don’t even know. _Obscene bottle opener - Dean is too busy laughing and looking revolted to type. Sam laughed and said it would serve as a reminder next time he felt insignificant. Dean nearly vomited. Gabe blushed._ _(be still my aching heart. ehehehe. -the sexiest angel in the garrison)_

Game of thrones box set - They enjoyed it. Quality bonding time and all that jazz. They did look rather close on Sam’s bed. Looks like Gabe is wearing him down. Gabe as a brother in law is a scary thought.

They’re coming back now, so I better stop writing. Cas wanted to add a bit though.

 

_To catch a Gabriel, bait your trap with a snickers bar and a kiss._

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn’t have done this without Serphinia, aka York, ma main nemesis. The fic was totally her idea, and I bow to her superior imagination. I’m just the writing monkey (but a damn fine one nonetheless).
> 
> Thanks also go to anyone who read it and thought it wasn't a totally crazy idea. You know who y'all are.


End file.
